Mary-Frances O'Connor-The Grieving Brain

Groundbreaking neuroscientist, O’Connor, explains the difference between grief and grieving in her book, The Grieving Brain. Both fascinating and digestible, her research helps us better understand the body’s response to loss.

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JA: What inspired you to write about death and dying?

In the narrowest sense, I realized that for the past 20 odd years I’ve been designing and conducting research studies on grief and grieving and none of this information was really getting into the hands of the people who could actually use it– the people who are grieving. So being a scientist, I wrote the book as a sort of best guess to convey what’s going on in the brain when we’re grieving. It’s not advice but information that might help people to use it as a lens on their own experience.

JA: What is your current state of mind?

Staying present, mindful, having perspective.

JA: What do you believe is life’s most essential lesson?

I think that is so individual. For me, I think the point is more that you know life is a force that goes through each of us and continues to learn from itself. And, if there’s anything that you're not doing that you wish you had, do it while you have time to answer this question.

JA: Do you have a favorite quote?

My favorite quote is probably from my partner: less is more. That's a lofty one though it sounds easy. It applies everywhere all the time. Feels like a New Year's resolution and then 15 days in, have no idea what I was saying.

JA: What are you reading, what’s on your bedside table?

I just finished Healing by Tom Insel about mental health care in the United States. I’m also reading Rick Rubin’s The Creative Act: A Way of Being about the artistic process and about to start Our Moon by Rebecca Boyle. She's an amazing science writer! It's fun for me to read on a totally different topic, see how she’s able to convey complex ideas.

JA: Do you have a favorite writer or book?

Jeanette Winterson.

JA: What book would you like to be buried with?

I don't picture myself being buried as a full body, and so I don't picture how the book would fit physically.

JA: What is your exit plan? How would you like to die?

I think about death all the time because I teach and write about it. When I think about my own dying, the fact that I will, I don't think about the day but more about the uncertainty that I have no idea what will be happening, the circumstances.

It's a constant reminder that all of this is beyond your control. I just want to be okay with everything, surrender to whatever happens. I've had a good run, let the people I love know that I love them and that's all I could hope for.

JA: If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?

I'd like to come back as a Toucan. They're so bright and colorful, get to fly all over, got black hair and are really loud— which are all the best parts of me.